New Weapons for Wonderland
by nikkilittle
Summary: A collection of excerpts from American McGee's Alice fanfictions from multiple authors showing the use of an original weapon which did not appear in the first Alice game.
1. Chapter 1

Alice Unarmed: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 1

I knew I shouldn't have smoked those funny-looking hand-rolled smokes I stole from the administrator's office. I fell asleep in my room with the door left open. What a mistake! I woke up with one of the superintendant's nephews on top of me pulling my clothes off. Bloody fat disgusting bloke. I kicked him off, but he seemed to have lost interest having seen me in just underclothes.

"Good Lord! Bitch, do you ever eat? You'd be quite a dish if you had any meat on you anywhere, but who wants to bag a sack of bones?"

Off he tromped. Good! Those smokes had made me woozy in the head, and I fell asleep again only to find myself hurtling down a familiar vertical tunnel. The landing sure wasn't the same, though.

A condom dump. All unused and still in the original packaging. Hallelujah! I'd hit the jackpot. Finally a way to have sex without having to worry about ending up prego. I realized that I might not end up a twenty-year-old virgin after all. My twentieth birthday was in four months. Four months to get properly laid. Not raped, I hoped.

No cat to greet me. I stuffed my apron pockets full of condoms and went in search of anyone in the Gnome Village that I knew to be just down the road. Not a gnome in sight. I wandered past the Gnome Village Mayor's office and marveled at how empty the place was. Out the doorway opposite the mushroom shop two card guards came charging at me shouting, "Search her for contraband!"

Contraband? What? I didn't hang around for the card guards to catch me and ran back toward the chasm with a creekbed full of green, nasty, slimy water flowing through it. There was an air geyser in the center of the creekbed with enough lift to let me float over on my wire-rod fitted dress. I jumped and the two idiot card guards jumped also thinking they would float just like me. Straight down into the slime they went. I sure enjoyed taunting them from the bank while they dissolved.

"Awwww! Guardies fall down?"


	2. Chapter 2

The Spinning Top: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 7

I rooted through the pile of toys and found an old, faded spinning top. It was obvious that it had once been a thing of stunning beauty, but its varnish was completely worn off and the wood had turned gray. Still, its shape was perfect, and its surface was smooth except for the expertly cut grooves for the string which was trailing from its tip.

"Do you know how to throw one of those things?" asked Cheshire.

"I had one of these as a small child. In fact, I think it was my first toy. I had a shiny, red laquered spinning top with a string. Much like this one." I wrapped the string around the top and gave it a throw. The top spun perfectly on a flat spot of dirt and kicked up a miniature dust devil as it spun.

"Alice," said Cheshire, "I do believe that you have found a new weapon."

I watched the top spin and wondered how long it would take to topple over. As long as the top spun, the miniature dust devil that enveloped it continued to spin, too.

"Cat, I do believe that it could be used to temporarily block a path, corridor, or tunnel."

The toy toppled over and reappeared in my hand in the style of my jacks. I carefully wrapped the string around it and placed it in my right pocket, which I resealed.

"A funny thing, Alice. Toys seem to like you. Especially toys that can be used as weapons."


	3. Chapter 3

The Oriental Puzzle Box: From Nikki Little's "The Second Sword" Chapter 28

The instant I stepped out of the portal the heat and steam of the Sixth Circle sent me to my knees. Ahead of me I saw all of the senators choking and gasping for breath. Great clouds of reddish steam rose from deep pits spattered everywhere in the Circle. The odor of fresh blood sickened me. Columns of fire shot through the floor of the Circle everywhere I looked and spread out against the ceiling of the Circle. The entire "sky" of the Sixth Circle was a raging boil of flame. Large flakes of burning ash floated down in a dense, slow downpour giving the illusion of being enveloped in a swarm of oversized fireflies. The flakes burned briefly when they landed on my head and skin, but mercifully they did not ignite my clothing. Everything was in shades of red, orange, and gray. This was the Hell of childhood nightmares. I felt dizzy, and it took all of the energy that I had just to stand up. I felt drunk. To think that Alice had fought dragons in this place. The walkways had gaps where the stone had been blown away. I thought of pictures I had seen of Berlin, Germany in 1945. Ahead on the walkway was a dragon that had had its neck severed from its body and its eyes gouged out. Vine-like strands reached from the head to the body and ever-so-slowly pulled the head toward the body. Behind us Alice's puzzle box gyrated wildly with a plane of strands beaded with sharp diamond-like hooks reaching out about seven feet from the puzzle box in all directions. Because the axis of the puzzle box rotated, the plane of hooks appeared as a sphere of flesh-ripping cords. Small pieces of dragon flesh sticking to the wall dripped all over the walkways. Chunks of dragon flesh on the walkways oozed liquid and put out thin threads that dragged them toward each other. The fact that the puzzle-box weapon was still here told me that it was time-unlimited and that Alice had never raised her hand for its return. Perhaps she was unable. Cooking down on the floor of the Circle lay a third dragon that had been chopped in half. Dragon blood sizzled on the rock everywhere around it.


	4. Chapter 4

The Blacklight: From Professor Von Spooky via Lewis Carroll's "Sylvie and Bruno"

A long time ago a fanfiction author who called himself "Professor Spooky" or "Professor Von Spooky" - I can't remember which - wrote an epic novel-length fanfiction for American McGee's Alice which was magnificent for the first 14 chapters or so. Then he had Hatter drill a hole in Alice's head and I stopped dead in my tracks reading. The scene was that bad. I tried to convince him not to do it, and was only successful after I had thoroughly ticked him off. He did eliminate the scene, but failed to eliminate traces of it in later chapters. The story now seems to have disappeared completely. The Professor must have deleted the story and changed his account name. Nevertheless, his story had what is probably the most original invented weapon for Wonderland I have ever encountered: the blacklight which comes from Lewis Carroll's little-known novel Sylvie and Bruno (both books). Since I can't find the excerpt from our disappeared Professor's story which introduces his blacklight, I'll instead show an excerpt from its original source, the second half of "Sylvie and Bruno."

"Our Second Experiment", the Professor announced, as Bruno returned to his place, still thoughtfully rubbing his elbows, "is the production of that seldom-seen-but greatly-to-be-admired phenomenon, Black Light! You have seen White Light, Red Light, Green Light, and so on: but never, till this wonderful day, have any eyes but mine seen Black Light! This box", carefully lifting it upon the table, and covering it with a heap of blankets, "is quite full of it. The way I made it was this—I took a lighted candle into a dark cupboard and shut the door. Of course the cupboard was then full of Yellow Light. Then I took a bottle of Black ink, and poured it over the candle: and, to my delight, every atom of the Yellow Light turned Black! That was indeed the proudest moment of my life! Then I filled a box with it. And now —would anyone like to get under the blankets and see it?"

Dead silence followed this appeal: but at last Bruno said "I'll get under, if it won't jingle my elbows."

Satisfied on this point, Bruno crawled under the blankets, and, after a minute or two, crawled out again, very hot and dusty, and with his hair in the wildest confusion.

"What did you see in the box?" Sylvie eagerly enquired.

"I saw nuffin!" Bruno sadly replied. "It were too dark!"

He has described the appearance of the thing exactly!" the Professor exclaimed with enthusiasm. "Black Light and Nothing, look so extremely alike, at first sight, that I don't wonder he failed to distinguish them! We will now proceed to the Third Experiment."


	5. Chapter 5

Shrunken Head of the Duchess: From Nikki Little's "Dragonfly - The Fig-Leaf Edition" Chapter 9

I looked at our crowd. "Change of plans everyone. We're going to raid a Cheapmart in a foreign country. Great Britain suit everyone? It's still English on the labels." No complaints. If anything, everyone seemed a little excited to see something besides an American grocery store. I still needed to give my pre-raid speech to everyone.

"Every single raid I do follows the same formula. First, I open a smoke portal and toss through the shrunken head of the duchess which releases a non-toxic but hallucinogenic gas that makes people see monsters. One whiff and everybody runs. It takes 30-60 seconds for the gas to fill the store depending on its size. It dissipates quickly. After 90 seconds I go through the portal first and everyone going on the raid should follow. If something has gone wrong such as cops showing up, I slam the portal shut on you. I return and we choose some other target to raid. I count heads as you come through the portal. The portal will have opened up next to an aisle that has gym bags on the shelves. The portal will remain open the entire time that we are in the target store. I always scout out target stores in advance. Grab a gym bag. This is what you will use to carry your loot. Head immediately to your pre-determined target and fill your gym bag full. When your gym bag is full, head immediately back to the portal and go through. Don't be dainty. Grab. Be quick about it. We all have to be out after four minutes. At three minutes fifteen seconds, my timer alarm will go off. I will blow on a very loud horn. That means everybody out immediately. Run to the portal and go through. Immediately step to the left or right and get out of the way so that you don't get run over. I count heads as you go through. I leave last after everyone else is through. Then I close the portal with a jackbomb. Stand back when I do it. Afterwards, do whatever you do to unwind after something stressful. I usually leave at this time."

Everyone looked at each other. The original group living on this platform who had all done the first raid picked one or two "newbs" to come with them. I still had to distribute the usual disposable rubber gloves and ski masks.


	6. Chapter 6

Chocolate Bar Powerup: From Nikki Little's "Alice 3"

That was a close one. I pulled myself up on the ledge and looked around. Leafty green trees as far as the eye could see. Cheshire slowly became visible on a branch above my head.

"Close call, Alice. Perhaps you've been indulging too frequently in those chocolate bar powerups."

"I needed the energy, Cat! You try running from cannibal politicians all day!"

"You mean Republicans? I never knew that you could grab onto a ledge and pull yourself up that way. If you weren't lugging around a caboose as big as Miss Kitty Russell's bustle from Gunsmoke, you would have made that jump."

"Shut up, Cat. I'm well aware of the size of my caboose. And what gave you the idea that I can't grab onto a ledge and pull myself up? In Wonderland Woods, it seemed I was always pulling myself up onto ledges. What did you think I was supposed to do?"

"Plunge into darkness and die like you always did in the previous game?"


	7. Chapter 7

Cat Piss: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 29

One Gnome looked at me and laughed.

"I didn't think you could run that fast with a caboose that big!"

I searched for Cheshire. I had to ask what he had done to the Red Queen.

"I peed in her eyes. Blinds Chess Pieces immediately. Maybe other Wonderland creatures, as well."

I fell backwards on my caboose. Cheshire laughed.

"Comfy landing, I presume?

"Oh, yes. Very comfy."

"Only Caterpillar and Humpty knew about cat piss as a weapon. And me, of course!"


	8. Chapter 8

Boob Shrooms: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 6

Was it just one hour? Two? It felt like an entire day that we walked toward the Card Guard compound in featureless, wooded terrain with clumps of underbrush located everywhere. There was enough open space to walk unencumbered, but no more. Cheshire's ears and tail suddenly went up, and I knew to be on guard.

Far ahead between the trees was the Card Guard compound. I crouched down and began to crawl behind Cheshire. We advanced very slowly. We were able to see six Card Guards milling around outside the compound. We had no idea how many were inside. Cheshire motioned for me to move straight ahead, and indicated with motions of his paw that he was going to circle around to the back. He pointed to my pockets and motioned for me to take out a boob shroom and hold it in my left hand. I needed to keep my right hand free for my blade in case a Card Guard saw me. I considered the possibility of tossing a jackbomb inside the compound to rid ourselves of all the Card Guards inside in a single instant.

I hid behind some underbrush and waited for Cheshire to return from his reconnaissance. About fifteen very long minutes later Cheshire returned and air-drew the message "six more behind several inside." There were at least fifteen Card Guards. There was no possibility of taking them down one-by-one. Attacking them in the three groups that they were in was inadvisable as well. I came up with my own plan. We had to get them all in one space. To do that we needed a lure. Me.

I placed a full boob shroom in my mouth, but did not chew or swallow it. I brazenly walked up to the Card Guard compound and stood with my back to a tree as the Card Guards outside in view called to their buddies. In a few seconds I had around eighteen Card Guards approaching me. I took off my blouse and draped it on a nearby tree branch. I stripped off my bra and also draped it on the tree branch. The Card Guards came within maybe three to five feet and began laughing.

"Is she offering us a bribe?"

"Poor, deluded bitch thinks she's sexy!"

"No tits! No ass! No hips! I need a better offer!"

"Bitch, do you ever eat?"

"If she had any meat on her, she'd make a delectable dish!"

I really did not want to use that boob shroom. I really didn't. I was dreading the damn thing. I moved the shroom over toward my teeth and began chewing it like gum. That meat broth flavor again. Quite pleasant actually. I breathed deeply. I did not want to swallow it. I braced my back firmly against the tree and winced. I swallowed hard.

I felt light-headed and dizzy to the point of passing out. I felt a sudden yank on my chest as if someone had just attached two cannon balls to my breasts with very short chains and then dropped the cannon balls. I looked down and saw that my breasts were rapidly filling with a thick, heavy liquid. They slid farther and farther down my chest and grew continuously straight outward projecting more and more. My breasts reached my waist and seemed to float two feet out in front of me. The Card Guards stared open-mouthed and some dropped their weapons. None of them said anything. The ones in front of me stepped back a foot. The volume of the undersides of my breasts was massive and continued growing. The pull on my shoulders was staggering. My breasts continued to slide downwards and grow outwards even farther. They reached my knees and stopped. They waved and sloshed back and forth perhaps four feet in front of me. I struggled to catch my breath.

The Card Guards had all dropped their weapons by now. They were all staring with their mouths wide open. Speechless. I suddenly jerked my shoulders to the left and my breasts obligingly swung with me. I started to twirl to the left and smacked the first Card Guard to my left with one breast. He went flying backwards over the underbrush perhaps fifteen feet. I continued to twirl and caught another Card Guard in the side. He flew backwards about fifteen feet as well. One of my breasts dipped under the other, and I caught the third Card Guard with both breasts. He went soaring over the tree tops and didn't make a sound as he flew. From this point onward I caught every Card Guard with both breasts and sent him flying over the treetops. It took me perhaps seven full seconds to send every Card Guard flying. Only the last few had started to grab for their weapons, but none of them had time to poke me or fire.

The Card Guards gone, a new dilemma stared me in the face. My breasts completely covered my pockets and I couldn't lift them out of the way. I lay on the ground stretching out my breasts in front of me, opened my right pocket, and fished for my little metal shroom box. I opened it and found a light-orange mushroom. An inspiration hit me, and I tore off a small piece which was about fifteen percent of the mushroom and put it back in the metal box. I put the metal box back in my pocket and sealed it. I chewed the remaining part of the mushroom and swallowed. My breasts deflated, but not completely. My breasts now hung down on my chest a bit below my elbows and a bit above my waist. They floated perhaps eight inches in front of me. The pull on shoulders felt slight. These were manageable.

I checked inside the compound for more Card Guards with my jacks and jackbomb ready, but there was no one inside. All clear. Cheshire showed up and immediately asked why I hadn't taken the whole mushroom.

"An experiment, Cat. I wanted to find out what a reasonable-sized pair feel like."

"You call that a reasonable size? Those things are huge."

"This is what human men like. Breasts like these would be their wildest fantasy. They're manageable. Only a little pull on my shoulders."

I was still naked from the waist up. I reached my hands up into the air and clasped them behind my head. I shifted my shoulders back and forth to make my breasts wobble. They had a very nice sway. I cupped them from underneath and let them drop a few times. Perfect bounce.

"If I had any meat on the rest of my body, I'd be tempted to keep these. In a war zone, however, breasts like these would be a nuisance. At the very least, they would interfere with me using my Vorpal Blade. I suppose it would hurt considerably if I accidentally lopped off my right boob."

I opened my right pocket again and fished out the little metal shroom box. I pulled out the tiny piece of light-orange mushroom I had cut off.

"Bye-bye boobies. Parting is such sweet sorrow!"

I chewed and swallowed the little piece and was back to normal. I went back to the tree branch and pulled down my bra and strapped it back on.

"Back to flat!" I said to Cheshire. I put my blouse back on and followed Cheshire out into the woods to see if any of the Card Guards were still alive. Only the first two I hit - the ones I hit with only one breast - were still alive. I dispatched them with my Vorpal Blade. Cheshire and I headed back to the Card Guard compound.


	9. Chapter 9

Vibrator Powerup: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 15

Hatter erupted into guffaws. "You sure ain't the lush, jiggly sexpot I remember from the past! But that's okay. All that extra flesh, I'm sure, weighed you down a bit in combat."

"I don't really remember it getting in the way except for a few occasions when I had to shove my boobs out of the way. My butt saved my life quite a few times when I fell or was knocked off of a high platform. I practically bounced. You think I could bounce on this thing?" I waved my scrawny arse in Hatter's face. I didn't have one thing on my body that jiggled.

"No, dear. You couldn't possibly bounce on that!" Hatter chuckled again. "Come, my dear, I have another possible weapon for you to use. Behold my newest invention! The Vibrator Muscle Exerciser!"

I stared at the device. "Is that a dildo?"

"No! No! No!" exclaimed Hatter. "This device will, when used, give you about thirty seconds of greatly enhanced strength in the thigh muscles!"

"And what would I do with that?"

Hatter held up a thin, wooden shell. "Imagine that this is a Card Guard's head." Hatter placed the thin, wooden shell between his thighs and squeezed them together. The shell cracked. "Any questions?" asked Hatter.

I suddenly realized what I could do with the Vibrator Muscle Exerciser. I could jump from one Card Guard neck to another cracking one head open after another. There was just one problem.

"Ummmm... Hatter? Wouldn't I have to literally stick my puss in a Card Guard's face to crack his skull?"

"So the Card Guard dies happy! What's the problem, my dear?"


	10. Chapter 10

Pheromone Grenade: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 25

The first row of Bible thumpers appeared over the rise. The din from the thumping Bibles was deafening. There must have been fifty of them in that first row. I suspected that Mr. Reed's estimate of one thousand of them might be uncomfortably accurate. I curled my pitching arm behind my back to throw the pheromone grenade when Cheshire suddenly interjected.

"Alice, no! You have to be..."

I heaved the pheromone grenade as far as I could into the advancing columns of Bible thumpers. Cheshire's shoulders slumped. He continued.

"...out of sight."

I looked at Cheshire. "What do you mean I have to be out of sight?"

Cheshire leaped up onto my shouders and grabbed my head between his paws turning my head directly toward the Bible thumpers. They had stopped dead in their tracks as the gas from the pheromone grenade spread out all along the ground among them high enough to breathe.

One after another the Bible thumpers popped up erections like those Peruvian dick dolls that so amused the tourists. I noticed that the Bible thumpers were all looking at me quite strangely. I turned to Cheshire.

"Puss, why are those Bible thumpers all looking at me like that? Aren't they all supposed to be humping each other right now?"

Cheshire let out an enormous sigh - the kind of sigh that he always let out when I had just done something stupid.

"You're supposed to throw the pheromone grenade from an out-of-sight location. The intended male victims will only hump each other if there are no females in sight. There is a female in sight. There is only one female in sight."

I looked at all those freshly popped erections.

"Ohhhhhhhh, fuck!"

Cheshire eyed me with an air of pity.

"If a thousand Bible thumpers were about to dart up my dress, I'd run!"


	11. Chapter 11

Gnome Elder's Pet Hamsters: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 1

"Is there anything around here that I can use to defend myself angainst these cretins?"

Cheshire looked thoughtful for a moment. "The Gnome Elder had a cage full of pet hamsters that he carried everywhere with him in case Card Guards showed up."

"And just what good is a cage full of hamsters going to do me if Card Guards show up?"

"You have to see what they do to realize that a cage full of hamsters can be your best friends in Wonderland. Let's go find them. The Gnome Elder probably left his pets behind when he saw a full squad of Card Guards coming down the road toward his house. Nobody's seen him for days."

"Well, then, let's go feed his pets. They're probably hungry and thirsty by now."

Cheshire led me to the Gnome Elder's little house and had me crawl in the front door.

"Good thing you're such a stick. If your hips had even the slightest bit of width to them, you'd never make it inside a gnome house."

"Thanks for reminding me that I have no shape, Cat. Rub it in. You're no glamour puss yourself."

The Gnome Elder's pet hamsters were in a standard-sized cage, but there were five of them packed in there. There was no door. Four of them were asleep. One was staring at me.

"Wake up guys! Someone's come to get us!"

Holy fuck. Talking hamsters.

I looked straight into the doorless cage. "You guys hungry or thirsty?"

"We've been getting our own, but thanks for asking. Haven't had any Card Guard lately, though."

"You guys eat Card Guards?"

"Well, not exactly eat..."

"Never mind. Want to come along with Cheshire and me?" I suddenly remembered that cats might like the taste of hamster. I smacked my hand against my forehead.

The hamsters knew what I was thinking. "Don't worry!" said the one that was awake. "Cheshire's an old pal of ours. He knows better than to think of eating one of us. I don't think anything in Wonderland wants to eat one of us!"

I had no idea why these hamsters were special, but I was about to find out.

Cheshire burst into the room. "Alice, Card Guards coming down the roadway! Five of them!"

I grabbed the cage and knelt down to exit the door and run.

"Forget running, Alice!" said Cheshire. "With these guys we don't have to run!" Cheshire looked me straight in the eye and said in the most dramatic tone he could muster, "RELEASE THE HAMSTERS!"

"What?" I stammered.

Cheshire grabbed the cage and kicked the gnome house's front door open. "Do your thing, guys!" he whispered.

The one hamster that was awake poked all of his buddies and shouted, "Fresh meat, guys! Let's go!"

The hamsters leapt out of the cage and bounded down the road toward the startled Card Guards like a pack of starving wolves. I had never seen anything like it.

"HAMSTERS!" screamed a Card Guard. "RUN YOU FOOLS!"

The five hamsters bounding down the road quickly caught up with the Card Guards. Oh, it was a horrible sight. Card Guards screaming. Hamsters leaping. Card Guards knocked down. Hamsters flipping the Card Guards on their backs. Hamsters swan diving...

The hamsters dived into the Card Guards' assholes and squirmed their way up through the Card Guards' digestive systems. The Card Guards writhed on the ground and howled like the two idiot Card Guards who dropped into the slime in the creekbed. In a moment it was all over. Our five heroic hamsters crawled out of the Card Guards mouths and fluffed themselves like birds who had just had a refreshing bath.

"YEAH, BABY! THAT WAS GOOD GUARD!" shouted one hamster. The hamsters came bounding back and bounced back into the cage. One hung up a sign.

"DO NOT DISTURB"

"That never gets old," said Cheshire with his classic grin.

I looked at Cheshire. "That is the coolest thing I've seen since Gryphon ripped one of the Jabberwock's eyeballs out!" It truly was. Sure beat the hell out of Demon Dice.


	12. Chapter 12

Auto-injector Dart Gun: From Nikki Little's "Not American McGee's Alice" Chapter 29

Fifteen minutes later our furry little heroes came out with another five Red Chess Pieces. The two White Knights did their duty, our heroes did their victory dance, and back they went for more Red Chess Piece booty. The next time they came out, our heroes said that the rest was up to me.

"We've cleaned out all the Red Chess pieces except the Queen. We think we've tripped all the booby traps, but we still think you should jackbomb any room you enter as a precaution. The tripwires are thin thread just strong enough not to break. One jackbomb would break all the threads in a small room. In a larger room, you'd have to toss the device in multiple times to be safe. It's all up to you now. We can't get close to the Red Queen because of those little gobs of explosive she kept tossing at us. Our little legs can't run fast enough to dodge those things. You can dodge them, though. You're a lot faster than us!"

The Gnomes immediately started snickering at the idea that I could still run faster than the Hamsters. I was irritated at their apparent conception that I was a blimp. Since when is a 33-inch waist a blimp? Just because I had some heft on the hips and butt didn't mean I couldn't run. I felt Cheshire rub against my leg, but I couldn't see him. Apparently Cheshire had recovered from his faint and felt obligated to accompany me for another battle with another Red Queen. I winced when I remembered what happened the last time. I crossed the drawbridge and headed in the front door, and Cheshire rubbed my leg again to let me know he was there. Staying invisible. Good idea.

I jackbombed each room before entering and saw utter waste after entering. Far more damage than my jackbombs could have caused. The Hamsters had caused the Red Chess pieces to destroy just about everything in an attempt to drive them out. After jackbombing several more rooms, I entered a room where the now solitary Red Queen was sitting in a throne chair waiting for me. I felt Cheshire rub against my leg.

The Red Queen stood up and tossed a gob of explosive at me. I dodged to the left, and she suddenly grabbed at her face. Cheshire became visible and hopped down from her shoulder with his legs spinning before he landed. The Red Queen screeched like she been scalded with her hands on her eyes.

"This is too easy," I thought, and pulled my autoinjector dart gun out of my backpack. I loaded a dark orange mushroom extract bullet into the chamber and aimed leisurely while the Red Queen howled. She couldn't see me or anything else at all. Blam! One dart in. The Red Queen screeched and yanked the dart out, but the damage was done. All the extract had been injected. I loaded a second dart, and fired. The Red Queen screeched again and yanked the dart out only after it had injected its contents. I fired a third dart, and witnessed a funny expression on the Red Queen's face. She put her hand on her chest. Time to run!

I turned tail and ran as I heard a tidal wave of boobage hit the floor behind me. I leapt over rubbage, over half-destroyed chairs, over broken pieces of furniture, over broken door frames, and raced for the Castle door. The tidal wave of boobage behind me sounded closer than ever. I raced for the drawbridge and felt a rush of wind behind me. I leapt over the end of the drawbridge and kept on running past the Gnomes who signalled that I was safe. The Red Queen's expanded boobage had dropped into the moat and stalled. It rose up high into the air and quivered like a mountain of jello. Surely she would suffocate in a few moments entombed in all that boobage.

One Gnome looked at me and laughed.

"I didn't think you could run that fast with a caboose that big!"

I searched for Cheshire. I had to ask what he had done to the Red Queen.

"I peed in her eyes. Blinds Chess Pieces immediately. Maybe other Wonderland creatures, as well."

I fell backwards on my caboose. Cheshire laughed.

"Comfy landing, I presume?

"Oh, yes. Very comfy."

"Only Caterpillar and Humpty knew about cat piss as a weapon. And me, of course!"


	13. Chapter 13

Splinter Staff: From DevastationofAlice's "Alice: Return" Chapter 5

"Eh, nothing for the moment," snapped the Elder, suddenly brisk. "But we need to concentrate on you getting small."

Unexpectedly, the rosewood doors shuddered as a loud crack sounded from right behind it. "Darn, this can't be good. Here, take this," he muttered, passing a long glass rod standing nearby to me. "Splinter Staff. Click this and it will fire a glass shard at your enemies…or you could just swing it about to beat them up. Meet me at the library." "Eh? Hey, hang on I didn't get — !" The doors crashed open as the Elder vanished, and two Four Diamonds charged in. Firing the remaining cards at one of them, I tossed the now-empty Dealer to a side and launched two shards into the other's head and chest with deadly accuracy. Hearing a clicking sound from its side, I noticed a number marked "98".

What? 100 uses only?


	14. Chapter 14

Hatter's Cane Laser: From Nikki Little's "The Second Sword" Chapter 8

Chapter 8: "The Wrathful"

When Alice and Plutus had finished gabbing, she started down the walkway without a word, secure in the knowledge that no one would contemplate balking and staying behind. I found this most amusing, and it even occurred to me that Alice would have made a fine teacher. She knew how to exercise authority without speaking a single word. The trip to the entrance to the third circle took about half an hour, and during that time two senators dropped back from the main group and began to converse with Hatter in low whispers. I doubted if the senators up ahead would have heard the whisperings, but as I walked beside Hatter, I was privy to everything. The two senators who dropped back were Kennedy and Sanders.

The frustration in the two senators' voices was obvious as they discussed the morality of what Alice was doing and whether or not her obviously intended end justified her method. Hatter wisely listened without offering any viewpoints of his own. I suspected that he was entirely opposed to Alice's venture. When it came to the "uptop" world, Hatter was a pessimist. The two senators, who had both long been idealistic advocates of social change, felt that the situation in the United States was so dire and the need for some sort of jolt to the consciousness was so great that Alice's actions were justified. Needless to say, that was an opinion which they did not care to share with their compatriots ahead. Alice, in case anyone has forgotten, was the United States' second most wanted terrorist.

The entrance to the third circle loomed ahead, and Alice halted the parade. She informed me that because of the possibility of attack from the third circle's ruling Harpies, it would be necessary for me to take a place in the center of our column and to be prepared to use the ice wand which she promptly handed to me. She also handed me the jacks to put in my dress pocket. I had practiced with the jacks in Wonderland, but never expected to be asked to use them in a combat situation. Suddenly I felt very uneasy: Alice would not have given me the jacks unless she was expecting us to be attacked. I took my leave of Hatter.

Leaving us behind for a moment, Alice entered the doorway to the third circle to take a look ahead. She returned and walked down the side of our column in her now familiar ritual of counting our heads like a kindergarten teacher tending her charges. Some of the senators were visibly irritated at being counted, but no one said a word to Alice. The doorway to the third circle, like the doorway to the previous circle, led into a narrow, completely enclosed, stone corridor with tiny open windows in the stone far above our heads. The bright sunlight of the second circle streamed through and lit our way. It took about an hour of continuous walking to reach the actual entrance to the third circle.

Alice walked through first, and then stepped back in to the stone corridor to motion for the rest of us to follow. Our first glimpse of the third circle was a surprise that none of us could have anticipated. The abode of the feared Harpies appeared to be a mostly blacktopped elementary school playground with islands of tall trees here and there. Our walkway, as before, was a wide ledge about fifty feet above the circle itself. This was little comfort as the Harpies, of course, could fly.

I looked down and saw wall-to-wall child-sized shades being tormented by flocks of Harpies. Everywhere I looked I saw a group of Harpies surrounding, teasing, and torturing a child-sized shade. Each group of Harpies would push its victim back and forth for a minute or two and then twist the shade's arms and legs off as if removing the limbs from a doll. The Harpies would tear, munch, and chew at the limbs right in front of the victim and then toss the stripped bones on top of the now limbless victim who was always lying face-up. To finish the torment, the Harpies would carry the now limbless victim into the air and play a game of catch with the living slab. Eventually the Harpies would tire of their victim and toss the slab down onto the playground from hundreds of feet in the air. The slab would splatter on impact.

Our entire group watched the spectacles below and above for five minutes, or possibly it was ten, before moving forwards. The sense of foreboding and menace in this circle of Hell exceeded anything we had felt before. We all knew that eventually at least one Harpy, or possibly an entire flock of them, would land on our walkway to threaten us. I tightened my grip on my ice wand and felt in my dress pocket for the jacks weapon.

My fear did not take long to become reality. As our column marched forward, a flock of Harpies playing catch in the air with a limbless slab tossed the slab down onto the walkway directly in front of us. Of course, we could be neither seen nor heard by the damned souls of Hell. Alice walked right through the slab, and the rest of us did likewise. This seemed to irritate the group of Harpies who had been playing at catch with that particular slab, and the leader of the group landed directly in front of Alice, who did not flinch.

"Since when did you learn to step right through a soul, Medusa? And who are the rest of these interlopers? Are you on holiday from the seventh circle?"

"I am not Medusa," rasped Alice. She waited to see if the Harpy would realize the mistake from the certain difference in voice. I was thankful that the Harpy and Alice both spoke loudly enough so that I could hear. There were no background noises in this circle at all. Deafening silence was all that I could hear.

"Not Medusa?" The Harpy flapped its wings and hovered directly in front of Alice with the obvious intent of intimidation. "You sure look like her, but I admit the voice is off. Just who are you then? Are you a guide? That would explain all these interlopers who trail behind you. Would you be upset if I used any of them for a little game of catch? How about one of the women in your column? Perhaps that one in the blue, pleated dress?" There was only one woman in the entire group besides Alice in a blue, pleated dress. Me.

The Harpy did not know it, of course, but she had made the worst of all possible mistakes. She had threatened me. I knew Alice well enough to know that she would have blown the entire third circle to a pile of rubble to protect me. Nevertheless, I tossed the ice wand into my left hand and grabbed for the jacks. Before I could throw the jacks at the hovering Harpy, Alice had unsheathed her Bowie knife and had made a point-blank throw connect. The Harpy's head flew like a soccer ball on its way to a goal, and the rest of the Harpy's airborne troop came swooping down on us.

Alice grabbed her cards weapon and fired in a wide spread into the troop with several cards striking each Harpy. A few cards missed, but most hit their mark. The troop kept coming, and Alice threw her knife again the instant it returned to her upraised hand. Another Harpy head went flying. From the back of our column, I saw the beam of Hatter's cane laser criss-crossing the flying troop. I added a throw of the jacks, and the entire troop of Harpies exploded into a rain of reeking meat chunks.

Alice quickly blew a smoke portal to the most distant part of the walkway that we could see, and repeated the process a few times more until the exit was within view. She blew a smoke portal back to our waiting column and herded us through with an explicit urgency. As we stepped through the portal to a point on the ledge just yards from the exit to the third circle, Alice spoke for all of us with her only comment about the eternal home of the world's bullies: "Let's get the hell out of here."

End of Chapter 8

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the copyright. The original "Inferno" was written, of course, by Dante.


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